XEN-by Jonelle

Tutor- Xen…Xen!

(Xen jumps up)

Xen, you need to stop falling asleep in class! This is the 3rd time in the space of a week. It’s becoming a habit, and you need to nip it in the bud from now. This isn’t school! It’s college! You have the choice to be here or not.

Xen- I’m so sorry

(Xen begins to pack his things into his bag and makes his way out of class.

Tutor- Xen, is everything ok?

Xen- (pauses) It’s all good

Tutor- I’ll take your word for it but…

Xen- (interrupting defensive) Don’t worry, everything is fine

(He exits the class and walks down the corridor to the college main entrance)

AK- Xen man I’ve been waiting out here for tiiiimmmme. What were you doing up there with Mr Mincer?

Xen- I fell asleep in his class

Chris- That’s you, boy, you tell me you fell asleep in Mr Mincer’s class? You’re lucky you never woke up and found him sitting on your lap.

Ak- Always talking about nipping things in the bud. Bun that!

Xen- He’s not gay he’s got a wife and kid, and if he is it’s 2022. Love is love

Ak- When he nips you in the bud, you won’t be saying that

Chris-(Shouts across the road To Jermaine, who is checking out a girl) Oi, Jermaine, come here Xen’s trying to tell me that Mr Mincer has a wife and kids, and love is love

Jermaine comes running over

Jermaine- Love is Love yeah, my man is wearing a full-blown lace wig, and he’s straight? he’s a batty, man fire fi that

Xen, Ak, Jermaine and Chris start laughing, Jermaine stops laughing abruptly

Jermaine– Hold on a wait you called me over here for that? (Annoyed) She’s gone now


Jermaine– Liberty, man, all most got the number

Ak– Well, we saw you with your arm around her neck she is probably dead now

Jermaine– What are you on about Ak You have the cheek to be talking to gyal like Liberty smelling like dat you’ve smelt like that since morning. Your armpits are LIT, bruv!

Chris– Man said instant cremation uno death by B.O

AK– Walking around her smelling like one mixed donner kebab

Xen Chris Ak burst out laughing

Jermaine– You lot are clown’s the gal-dem. love my natural musk

Chris -If you say so….on a real doh, Liberty is flames

Jermaine- Yh man she’s a spice

Chris- If anyone’s gonna smash It’s me

Jermaine– Yh man over the years she really developed

Ak-Allow it Jermaine you sound like my freshy uncle Bare preeing young girls….

They all laugh

Chris- (As if he’s smelt something sweet) Mmmmm Liberty

(All at the same time) Good dammmmn

Ak– She got that BBF (All together) Batty, Breast and Face

Jermaine– Nah that’s my wife the things I’ll do that one

Chris-As long as I sample both sets of lips 1st you can wife dat

They all laugh

Ak– You man on that dead tings party tonight

Jermaine- What Saggy Solange?

Ak- Yeah dem tits are biblical you know she breastfeeds the 5000 Luke chapter 9 vs 10-17

All together dun-out… They all laugh

Chris- it’s a motive still, you man this me, let holla me if you’re going to the party

Jermaine-Yeah, Yeah

Ak- Yh late bro

Xen- Say, nothing bro, in a bit

Chris exits

I Don’t think I am going to come. I don’t have money for that It’s a bottle ting

Jermaine– Ask your mum for some P’s bro

AK– It’s fine Xen you know I’ve got you Talking of mothers, how’s yours Jermaine?

Jermaine– If you like your teeth, you won’t bother starting that again

Xen Starts laughing

Jermaine- Don’t you start to

 Xen– Starting what?… Quick question Is your mum gonna have on her legendary batty riders this summer

(Jermaine getting angry)

Your mum is a mmmmmmmmmilf.

(Jermaine swings for him Xen ducks and runs away)

I’ve seen the way she looks at me…she could get iiiiiiiittttttttttttt!!

Jermaine- (shouts) Bruv beg you don’t speak about my mum like that

Xen- (Mocking Jermaine’s voice) But fam, she’s hot innit. (In Hysterics) Laters, see you man, tomorrow… Jermaine tell your mum I love her (Running into his block of flats)

Ak– You should be proud that your mum (in a Jamaican accent) real hot gyal from bloodclart longtime and at her age of 59 and she still has it

Ak runs off laughing Jermaine chasing after him

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